


Undrunk

by some_mad_lunge



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: And Alex with someone else, Cosmic, Like really angsty, M/M, Song fic, Super angsty, mention of Michael with Maria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:08:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19081927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/pseuds/some_mad_lunge
Summary: Alex's journey through heartache to "Undrunk" by Fletcher.





	Undrunk

**Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you**

**At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you**

He’s in that blissful place, the one brought on by just enough tequila and the wandering hands of the blonde who lead him into the bathroom. He’s shoved up against the door, gripping hair that doesn’t curl around his fingers, wet heat around his dick. His gasps are almost loud enough to quiet his heart, silence the voice in his head, make it go away.

He’s shaking from the force of it, the hazy cloud of satisfaction that’s on the wrong side of empty.

“Whose Guerin?” The voice is too rough, none of the sweetness he misses so much. Too much. Always.

Alex ignores the question by sinking to his knees.

**Honestly, this party’s over**

**Everyone here should have gone home**

**But I’m afraid of being sober**

He only goes to the bar on the nights he knows they won’t be there. He believes in self preservation above all things now. His days are hard enough, the night is for escape, forgetting.

It’s welcome and yet strange to see someone else behind the bar. It’s even weirder to be the one leaning against it, glass in hand when last call is rung. He’s usually found someone by now, but tonight he’ll go home alone.

He thinks about the bottle in his cupboard waiting for him and breathes deep.

Maybe not so lonely after all.

**‘Cause the first thing I do when I’m alone**

**I start touching myself to the photos that you used to send me**

**I should have deleted, but kept it a secret**

**Is that crazy to do?**

Alex hears him sometimes, floating sighs and whispered words. He’s woken up reaching for a someone most mornings, every time.

He still does. He probably always will. It’s just easier when there is heat and muscle waiting for him, even if it belongs to the wrong person.

**So I squeeze out the lime on the ice of my drink**

**And the juice hits the cuts on my fingers**

**It still doesn’t burn as much as the thought of you**

He pushes himself too hard. His physical therapist reprimands him, his doctor gives him a serious stare. He promises to slow down, to not push his limits.

The pain, it’s just too welcome to give up.

**Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you**

**At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you**

**But some things you can’t undo**

Three missed calls from Liz. Nine missed calls from Kyle. One missed call from Isobel. That one peaked his curiosity, so much that he almost gave in and rang her back. Almost.

He had 86 unread text messages. They could stay that way.

**I wish I could un-kiss the room full of strangers**

**So I could un-spite you, un-lose my temper**

**But somethings you can’t undo**

**And one of them’s you**

He pushes back, begs for it harder, faster. He’s so close and it hurts, everything hurts until it doesn’t. For one blissful minute he doesn’t feel anything. Then it’s cooling sweat and aching muscles and nothing.

“You don’t have to leave.” The voice is kind, the eyes soft, the type you could fall in love with if you had a heart to give.

Alex pulls on his jeans and goes, his heart hasn’t been his for over a decade

**I’m afraid to turn the lights on**

**I don’t want to face this rebound**

**Is it weird if I come over?**

**I want to but I know that she’s around**

Had he been paying attention he would have noticed they were there, watching him, them. He’s too engrossed in the lips whispering in his ear, caged by shoulders and thighs, a hand holding a pool cue.

This one doesn’t know Alex’s laugh is empty, haunted. He smiles into the kiss, he doesn’t worry if they’re on display. He could care less what the idiots of Roswell think of him, he never really did.

There has only been one person’s respect he’d ever wanted, and what a foolish game that had been. He pushes his hips, gets enough space to head back to the bar. He can feel lustful eyes trailing him and it gives him a dull thrill.

“Manes.”

He hears it. No, he feels it, through every nerve ending in his body. Cosmic bullshit. He downs his glass and signals for another.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough.”

Michael is less than an arm’s reach away but it may as well be light years. The thought makes him giggle, he’s drunk enough to let it escape.

“What about this is funny to you, Alex?”

He looks up then, chocolate eyes that pierce into him, the laughter bubbles out even more. He glances over Guerin’s shoulder, sees Maria and Liz, concerned faces. The humour dies on his lips.

“What about this isn’t funny, Michael?”

Life is one big fucking joke, and somewhere Alex can hear his father laughing. He raises his glass to his friends, if he can he still call them that, and heads back to to the pool table.

Alex doesn’t walk out into the night alone and he doesn’t bother to look if anyone notices. He gets a hand job in the cab of the stranger’s pick up truck and is thankful for the steamed up windows.

**So I’m touching myself to the photos that you used to send me**

**I should have deleted, but kept it a secret**

**Is that crazy to do?**

Some nights he pulls out his guitar and strums some chords. He lets himself remember youth and dreams, first kisses and safe embraces.

He used to want so much, believed he could have it, deserved it.

His life is just one long endless whimper now.

**Oh, I’m hungry and wasted and my hands are shaking**

**I shouldn’t be cooking, be spilling hot water**

**It still doesn’t burn as much as the thought of you**

He hates himself, a little more everyday. If Michael had felt half of this in the last decade, an ounce of it, well then Alex is the one to blame. Then he deserves all of this.

You only hurt the ones you love. Or so they say.

**Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you**

**At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you**

**But some things you can’t undo**

“I’m sorry.”

He never should have reached for his phone. He never should have had just one more. It made him weak, weaker. It’s dark and he’s alone, scared even. He’s never going to feel anything else ever again and it terrifies him.

“Alex…it’s okay…”

“But it’s not. Because I left, I know I left so many times but I never loved anyone else. I never tried. I knew it was pointless. I’m sorry, I believed you felt the same.”

He hears a rustle and a soft muffled voice asking Michael what’s wrong and Alex knows, of course he does. Who else could it be? It hits him, the regret, the envy.

He hangs up the phone. He listens to it ring over and over on the pillow beside him until he finally turns it off and gets up to have a 3:00am beer. Or three.

**I wish I could un-kiss the room full of strangers**

**So I could un-spite you, un-lose my temper**

**But somethings you can’t undo**

**And one of them’s you**

Max leans against the cell, the pity in his eyes is almost as painful as the split skin on Alex’s knuckles.

“Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Yeah, never thought aliens existed or that people could die and then un-die, so what the fuck do we know?”

Max just sighs in response as he opens the door.

“He’s not pressing charges so you’re damn lucky” Like Alex should be grateful for that or something.

“He was a homophobic prick.”

“Yeah, he was.”

Alex refuses to limp as he walks out of the cell. He almost makes it to the door.

“He did this for 10 years Alex, don’t make the same mistakes.” The kindness in Max’s voice makes him crumble inside, almost enough for the wall to come down.

Instead Alex shakes his head.

“Guess it’s my turn then.”

If Max has anymore thoughts on the subject Alex doesn’t bother to wait to hear them.

**Been through every emotion**

**Right now I’m sad and broken**

**Like the bottles on the floor, but I’m too buzzed to clean them up**

“This needs to stop.”

Alex doesn’t bother responding, just reaches for the bottle that has a little bit of liquid left in it. It’s warm and it burns. Good.

“Seriously, Alex we’re worried.” Kyle sits on the coffee table, the one that hides his father’s secrets. He wishes he could shove everything down below and shut the door. Lock it up and forget. He just wants to forget.

“Oh are “we”?” He tries to pick himself up off the floor but he’s too much booze and not enough limbs. He pushes away the hands that try to help him.

“Are you going to let him do this to you?”

Alex throws the bottle against the fireplace, enjoys watching Kyle flinch when it shatters. He remembers what it was like, to feel things, anything.

“If you’re here to appease everyone’s guilt then you can go. I don’t blame anyone but myself.”

He is grateful to whatever God let him have the dignity to finally stand, it hurts, everything hurts, but he does it.

“You let yourself in, let yourself out.”

He slams his bedroom door for good measure.

**Wish I could get a little un-drunk**

**So I could, I could un-love you**

**Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you**

**At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you**

**But some things you can’t undo**

“Remember me?”

Alex looks up from the spot on the table where his glass has left a ring of wet. He had thought it poetic somehow, but he can’t remember why anymore.

It’s Dan. Or Dave. Or…

“Dallas” He offers his hand for a shake, like they’ve just met and Alex doesn’t know what it’s like to have the man inside him.

“Alex.” It’s the polite thing to do.

“I know. Want some company?”

He should say no, but he wants to say yes. There is only so much alone one person can take. He motions to the space across from him, those eyes are still kind, that face still gorgeous.

Alex knows he’ll never love him like he loved Michael, but maybe that’s the point. Something instead of everything.

**I wish I could un-kiss the room full of strangers**

**So I could un-spite you, un-lose my temper**

**But somethings you can’t undo**

**And one of them’s you**

He’s laughing again, honest to God laughing for no other reason than because Dallas is funny, witty. Smart and kind, beautiful.

Something.

After a few weeks Alex pulls him into the Wild Pony, they sit eating greasy bar food and nursing beers. It’s a Thursday night, it’s Alex’s night. Now it’s Alex and Dallas’s, it feels good.

Dallas has sauce on his chin and Alex doesn’t think as he reaches forward to wipe it off. Doesn’t expect those eyes to brighten, for lips to press a kiss into his palm. It settles something into his chest, warm and whole, comfortable.

He can have this. He does have this.

It’s the perfect evening until Dallas gets a call from work, has to head out to solve some crisis. He kisses Alex slow, nestles his forehead to Alex’s temple and whispers “I’ll miss you.”

Alex is still smiling as he watches Dallas pull out of the parking lot. It disappears when he sees who’s leaning casually against his car, black cowboy hat in place.

**You, you**

**Wish I could un-love you**

They just stare at each other, it’s their own brand of conversation.

**You, you, you**

**Wish I could un-call you**

“Does he make you happy?” Alex can feel his heart constrict, it’s missed that tone so much. The one Alex was certain had only ever been for him.

“Does it matter?” It’s the only answer he has in him.

Michael sighs, “Always.”

**You, you, you**

**Wish I could un-fuck you**

**You**

“She’s not you.” It’s so earnest, so honest and Alex doesn’t know what to do with it.

“I thought that was the point.” Hadn’t it been? Wasn’t what all this was about, Michael deserving more and realizing it?

“I don’t know how to stop loving you.” There are tears in both their eyes and Alex, he wants grasp to with greedy hands.

Cosmic bullshit.

Everything.

**Wish I could un-love you**


End file.
